I just finished reading a book by my all-around favorite comedian—George Carlin. I highly recommend picking up When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? His irreverence immortalized in his writings suits me very well, if it is not obvious from the tone of this blog. While he was known for his systematic way of taking the snot out of anything that flew into his radar (his whittling down of the 10 Commandments is a classic), his random thoughts and observations tickle me in particular. Really, if we don’t know when we will die, how can we be sure when someone dies prematurely? Something to ponder.
I decided to list some of my own musings in homage to Mr. Carlin. I am sure it will become a theme and hopefully evolve into my own brand of quirky perspective.
- Is it ironic that “onomatopoeia” is not spelled the way it sounds?
- Why are elevator encounters so socially awkward?
- I think everyone should be required to bring reading materials into a public washroom, especially at work. Make a show of it so that everyone knows that you are about to move your bowels. Let’s remove the stigma of pooping and embrace human digestion in all its repugnant glory.
- On that note, raise your hand after you fart and own it with pride. “Yep, that was me. What a relief to get that one out in the open! Whew!” It would save a lot of uncomfortable askance looks from those trying to appear innocent by attempting to locate the source.
- Why do actors make such loud smacking noises when they kiss on-screen? Is it like closed-caption for the visually-impaired?
- When did “reality television” become so unreal?
- I think animals got it right. Objectively, shaking hands is pretty stupid and pointless. Let’s get to the heart of the matter and just sniff each other’s asses.
- How did the intent of toasting do an about-face over the years? We used to clink glasses because no one trusted that they weren’t trying to off each other; now it is a demonstration of trust and friendship. I don’t expect you to laugh at this one. I just really want to know what is up with that.
- Back to the elevator question. I wonder why we all feel so compelled to smile upon entering. Actually, it isn’t a smile so much as a wince. Then we position ourselves as far away from the other person as possible. And then, silence. Look down at the floor. Look at what floor the elevator is at. More silence. Idly look at your shoes. My point is that perhaps we are wasting valuable energy here. Maybe invading personal space and spending the entire journey in a blinking contest would be more rewarding.
- I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Winona Ryder is that good of an actress.
- I think smokers who can’t wait to light up until after they leave a building should be deprived of oxygen against their will at random intervals throughout the day.
- Did you ever consider that maybe, just maybe, serial killers need love too?
- If you are told not to hold your breath waiting for something to happen, defy them. See how long you can hold it before people start freaking out.
- If we put our coworkers in a chokehold when they pissed us off, the workday would be much more productive and fulfilling.
- Why do British accents make people sound smarter? Even Ozzie Ozbourne sounds like he could be at least an idiot savant.
- Does an environmentally-conscious musician sing the greens?
- I challenge anyone to prove that unicorns don’t exist. Just because we haven’t seen one, doesn’t mean they aren’t out there. They may just be really good hiders.
- The Inquisition was a puzzling affair. Who cooked up that strange litmus test? I wonder what would have happened if the alleged witches responded by walking on water. Now there’s a conflict.
- The Taliban just needs to get stoned. Afghanistan has the means to facilitate that, in more ways than one.
- Platitude of the day, compliments of Dove Dark Chocolate Promises: Always bring your own sunshine. I find that ill-advised. I can’t explain why, it just sounds like a bad idea.
- Speaking of getting stoned, who do the religious conservatives think made pot?
The tricky thing about random thoughts is that there is no hard and fast rule on the best way to end. Basically, I ran out of ideas. I need to refuel.