All right, I am about a month late on this one. My excuse is that I just started this blog recently. But, my opinion of this horror fest was cemented almost immediately, and now I will share it.

Sigh. For those who don’t know, this nugget of evil was cooked up by the film director, Tom Six. Despite his cool name, I am suspicious of his mental stability for him to be capable of mining the bowels of the human condition to dig up what may be the grossest idea depicted on screen. A German surgeon whose specialty was separating conjoined twins did an about-face upon retirement. An especially creative demon on his  shoulder whispered in his ear that it would be a beautiful thing to defy his life’s work and join three humans into a centipede. Why? Even Freud couldn’t explain that one. No matter. So how does one go about doing that? Well, ass to mouth, of course! And make sure to pull their teeth out for good measure, as well as remove their kneecaps lest they attempt to stand and walk off the set . . . er, escape. How do three people survive such an ignominious ordeal? Well, when the front segment eats, it defecates into the mouth of the middle segment, who then returns the favor to the back segment. Brilliant! And nutritious, too.

Note the statement between the tagline and the credits: 100% medically accurate. Awesome! This can actually be done. And from what I’ve read, the victims can theoretically live for years in that state. A doctor was consulted to figure out how to perform this procedure. I have made a mental note to myself to screen future surgeons lest their minds start floating into loathsome waters while they are cutting into me. I don’t think confirming that they are board certified will be sufficient assurance that I am in sane hands. Now I have more reason to be paranoid. Thanks, Tom.

When I saw the trailer, I was justifiably horrified. So much so that I had difficulty sleeping that night. I could not get the image out of my head, nor wrap my mind around the psychosis needed to conceive of this bizarre concept, much less having the inclination and means to actually inflict it on victims. I was obsessed, but yet resolved to not put myself through the trauma of seeing the movie. My husband fully intended to watch it on IFC On Demand.

As my husband was getting ready to order the movie, I said, All right! I’ll watch it with you. He assured me he wasn’t expecting me to, but after our dinner was sufficiently digested, we settled into the couch and committed the next 90 minutes of our lives that sadly, can never be retrieved. I’ll just cut to the chase and list what was good and bad about this movie.

Positives

1. The lead actor, Dieter Laser, chewed the scenery to an appropriate level (relatively speaking).
2. The doctor looked at his watch after he murdered the first victim who was not the right match for the rest of the centipede—good detail, I’ll admit.
3. The filmmaker did his research to ensure that it was medically possible.
4. This has the makings of a cult classic, and the quantity of Google hits confirms that.
5. Just when you think writers are running out of ideas, this little gem comes along.

Negatives

1. If I have to list them, then you probably shouldn’t be trusted with sharp objects.

Okay, that was a cop out. But really, what can I say that hasn’t already been said? Oh wait. Plenty.

Herr Döktor tried his experiment out on three Rotweilers. The picture he fondly caressed was an obvious Photoshop of one dog in triplicate as a muzzle to ass monstrosity. Outside of my soft underbelly for animals and inability to stomach their suffering, the thing that perturbed me the most was the lack of creativity in the name he gave his canine centipede: My sweet Three-dog. Really? That’s all you’ve got? Pfft, and you’re the genius. Whatev.   

Okay, the dude was obviously weird. Why were you staying there, AND drinking his water? Duh! Of course he dropped a roofie in it. What do you expect? Suck up the chilly rain and save yourselves, you dumb broads. Not all roofie trips are as entertaining as The Hangover, fyi.

For the material the front segment actor was given, I think he did a fine job. For whatever reason, Mr. Six cast a Japanese actor and used English subtitles. Okay fine, creative license and all that. He played the character as sufficiently pissed off and defiant. I apologize for the following spoiler alert , but come on. What is there to spoil in this movie? Who is seeing it for the suspense? Anyhow, he gave an impassioned speech explaining his justification for not tolerating his present state, thus leading up to his grisly suicide. Really, did he need to defend that action? I mean, he had two chicks, albeit hot ones, surgically attached to his ass, and was forced to crawl around with them trailing like some abominable Hell-bound choo choo train. I don’t know, the actor could have saved the energy for a more auspicious work. So sorry, there isn’t an Oscar category for this movie.

I was disappointed in the performance of the two women—the middle and end segments. If I was in their shoes, I’d be reacting much more strongly, oh, like when he was explaining in detail what his nefarious plans were for me. They cried like he was ripping up their wardrobe in front of them. Forget the permanent disfigurement, he’s destroying my Prada dress. Oh, the horror! I also had issue with how well they looked as a human centipede. Call me cynical (and catty), but there seemed to be a purient sexual component to how they were in snug whiteys with their asses pushed out at all times. Where’s the cellulite? Why does their skin look so silky smooth? Were they told to get in shape for their role so that they had the physical stamina to be on their hands and knees for hours at a stretch, or was it to make the centipede look more visually pleasing, i.e., less disgusting? I’m sorry, perhaps I should just whistle past this one.

I was a bit confused when his insect was revealed. His operating room was in the basement, but the bug was in the dining room on the main level. As he was pondering his otherwise mundane existence (outside of the surgical mutilation hobby, it appeared his calendar was free) at the table, he inexplicably decided then to awaken them from their happier place and make them “walk” for the first time. He aimed the mirror on them in rapturous joy at his achievement. This raises a perhaps not so obvious question: How did he get them up the stairs? Did he haul them up in the plot wagon?

This was one of the drawings the highly-educated surgeon made to demonstrate his devious plans:

Yeah, I got nothing.

As for the ending, picture the worst possible scenario. There. That’s it. Let that bugger sink in.

In conclusion, I can’t recommend this movie, nor is it my place to suggest you avoid it like . . . I was about to say the plague, but that sounds like a party in comparison. All I know is that there is not enough bug spray in this world to eradicate the memory of this movie from my brain. There just isn’t. And I hear there are plans for a sequel: a human centipede with twelve segments. Let the good times roll.