Well, well, well. <<insert sarcastic clap here>>

So there we have it. Pope Benedict XVI, nee Joseph Ratzinger, finally opened his crusty maw and let partially digested body parts crumble down his saintly vestments. I mean, he publicly condemned the proliferation of sexual abuse within the Catholic church. You know, that pesky little problem that just won’t go away no matter how hard we pray. See, this inspired me to rhyme. It can’t be all bad, can it?

Oh yes it can!

Let me provide you with an excerpt of the decree from Master P (I’m on a roll here):

“Gurgle spit crap poop feces defecus vomitous aloticus ad hominum . . .”

Oops, sorry. I’m typing in the dark here. Let me try that again:

“So it happened that, in this very year of joy for the sacrament of the priesthood, the sins of priests came to light—particularly the abuse of the little ones, in which the priesthood, whose task is to manifest God’s concern for our good, turns into its very opposite . . .”

Let us analyze this. First of all, what is up with this allusion that this just came to light? I’ve got news for you, Joey, it’s been going and going like a nefarious Energizer bunny. This is so last century. And the one before that, and before that . . . come to think of it, I see a pattern here. As a matter of fact, isn’t pedophilia considered to be okay in “His” book? At one point, it was an encouraged practice. Galileo’s sinister machinations caused the planets to knock into each other and we, as a society, eventually realized that taking advantage of a child’s innocence is just plain wrong. Once a common occurrence is now an unforgivable sin. That is, unless the offender marries into holy celibacy.

Joey the Rat admitted  that the priests sin. It is easy to infer that it is in the present tense. If pedophilia was their only sin, we could focus on the topic at hand. But, he specifically put “sin” in the plural. Sins. In particular, the abuse of the little ones (I’ll address that in a moment). The sins of the priests are, not is, the problem. Is that what you meant? What other infidelic skeletons do those perverted bastards have hiding in their pulpits?

As promised, I must point out the peculiar reference to children: the little ones. Funny, I didn’t know there was a euphemism needed to refer to children. This isn’t  a bunch of tiny Voldemorts we’re talking about. It comes across as an inept effort to be politically correct. The sexual abuse of midgets has to stop! That is going under the assumption that he was talking about human beings, considering the object “one” can also be a thing. John McCain elicited outrage when he referred to his rival as “that one”. I agree; that was mighty disrespectful. Where is it written that children have to earn our respect in order to be treated with dignity?

Wait, it gets better.

P-Benny declared that “the church must beg the forgiveness of God and from victims of sexual abuse committed by Catholic priests”. Perhaps I am splitting hairs, but why must the priests answer to God first before they fix the disaster they created here on earth? If he exists, and that is a big “if”, what would he be doing that is so damning outside of shaking his head in contempt? It all begs the question considering that this alleged god let this all play out in the first place. But really, come on! What good will a “whoops, my bad” do? You can’t unsodomize an erstwhile virgin, despite what the Born Agains say. A wound might heal, but the stigmata is permanent. This might be a crazy suggestion, but let’s try not doing it in the first place. Go ahead, give it a whirl.

While this is marginally better than Ratboy’s prior non-response, it completely glosses over the crux of this problem. Why are they doing this in the first place? Catholic by definition is a liberal viewpoint, i.e., broad-minded, universal, and all-inclusive. Isn’t that a demonstration of supreme acceptance? Yet, Catholicism is notorious for its intolerance of anything outside of that sect as well as their oppressive rules. The irony here is more painful than crucifixion.

Back to the root issue. The Catholic church hates sex. It is unclean and if God despises anything, it is a dirty mind in body and spirit. Of course, if he witnesses two naughty bits joining in the hands of marriage, it’s all good. Sexuality and the pursuit of satisfying those urges is natural and an essential part of a complete and healthy life. Every day, millions of people balance work and play. And that play can include sexual activity. Apparently, there is even more responsiblity to the job of serving a church than say, governing a nation, and play would be way too distracting. So, abstinence is the only solution. Plus, who can think pure thoughts when picturing the nuns going commando under their habits?

Repression succeeds only in making the person want to taste the forbidden fruit even more, and it would be that much sweeter.  In the case of priests committing sexual abuse, this could be a chicken and egg conundrum. Did they turn to children as a deviant safety valve for their otherwise unquenched desires, or did they turn to the church in a misguided effort to exorcise their pedophilic and/or homosexual demon? If the former, I see how they try to get God on a technicality. Children are not fully developed adults, so it isn’t sex to them, per se. I suppose with that mentality, a gimp bag was never a human to begin with. As for the latter, pedophiles indeed do need help, but certainly not from an overblown institution based on specious ideas and beliefs. Pedophilia, while a genetic defect, is not a proclivity that should be explored. Homosexuality while genetic, as well, can be embraced in a healthy way. Pedophilia is a biological problem for scientists to suss out, not the Holy Spirit. No matter the kind of kink, as long as it is among consenting adults, they can have at it. When it involves a child, there is no consent that can take place. Only obedience.  

But no worries. Ratty plans on doing everything possible blah blah blah to fully vet them blah blah blah so that the Lord will protect them blah blah “baaaa . . .” said the bleating, sacrifical lamb.

How can words be so empty, but The Word carry the weight of the world?